How many is too many and how close is too close?

Today I lugged all three children to the Dr's office. Andrew had his 4-year, Natalie her 2-year, and James a follow-up ear infection appointment. I guess when you turn 4 you have to start peeing in a cup. Andrew said he needed to go potty and the nurse gave me a cup. For some reason, all the "target practice" enticements didn't change his mind that he did NOT want to pee in a cup. He sat down on the toilet (it was too tall for him to stand) and started to go. I did not want to wait another hour or so for him to need to go again, so I just stuck the cup under him and collected some pee. That was the beginning of the 20 minute freak out.

He started screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting. I took the other kids back into the examination room and he followed me screaming that he didn't want to pee in a cup. He tried to take the cup that we had left on the sink per instructions and dump it out. I have seen him like this before...many times. He is not exactly what you would call flexible most of the time. And if something doesn't go the way he wants, many times he gets very angry and sometimes he throws a huge fit. It's why I own the book "The Explosive Child."

He was still angry when the doctor came in. He tried to kick her, he wouldn't cooperate. She said over and over again, "I have never seen him like this" "He is very angry." etc., etc. At one point she said she wanted me to fill out an autism-assessment form (she forgot and I didn't remind her, because I don't think that is the problem). She was amazing and got him to smile, then laugh, then cooperate. But after she was done with the examination, she spoke to me for a few minutes about how he needs one-on-one time--special time just him with mom or dad two or three times a week. And she said the hour or two when the other kids were napping didn't count. Hmmm..

So, I was feeling a little shaky as a mom at this point. Still exhausted from the tantrum and a little embarrassed, worried about the suggestion of autism, guilty that I've had too many kids too close together and so Andrew isn't getting the attention he needs and is angry because of it.

Then it was time for shots. Andrew got three in his legs. He cried and cried and my little sensitive Natalie cried because Andrew was crying. Then it was her turn to get a shot. Andrew was still crying and needed me to comfort him, I needed to hold Natalie while they gave her the shot, and then I needed to comfort her after she got the shot, and Andrew still needed a hug and a shoulder. I was feeling what I feel a lot since having the third--who isn't getting the love and comfort they need? Did I have too many, too close?

I go back and forth with what is the best--years apart? close together? How many? Too many? For everybody, this will be different and I'm not looking for THE answer, I'm looking for the answer for me and my family. It has felt right to have our kids closer together. It feels right to have another one and if we survive, probably another one, and maybe even another one. But I have struggled with feeling that it may be too much for me or that I can't quite get it together and maybe I need some time to pull it together.

But when I was in the doctor's office and was feeling that there is not enough of me to go around, it hit me. I realized that it is at those times that it is important to ask for help. I mean pray. Do all we can do and then ask the Lord to make up the difference.

I could not be everywhere at once and couldn't comfort both like they needed comfort right then, but there is somebody who can. And I thought about what a strength to Andrew if I were to call upon the Lord to fill in in my absence. And then it really hit me. That is what I'm missing so often...FAITH. I do not need to do it all on my own. I always think I do, but I don't. If I partner with the Lord in raising these kids, it will be much easier and they won't be deprived. In fact, what a blessing for them and for me if we can form a stronger reliance on the Lord because we need him. And maybe that is why close together and keep having them seems right for us. For somebody who thinks she always has to do it on her own.