Sharp sticks are fun

How you know this is my fourth child, not my first child:

I was glad she had found something to play with.

How many is too many and how close is too close?

Today I lugged all three children to the Dr's office. Andrew had his 4-year, Natalie her 2-year, and James a follow-up ear infection appointment. I guess when you turn 4 you have to start peeing in a cup. Andrew said he needed to go potty and the nurse gave me a cup. For some reason, all the "target practice" enticements didn't change his mind that he did NOT want to pee in a cup. He sat down on the toilet (it was too tall for him to stand) and started to go. I did not want to wait another hour or so for him to need to go again, so I just stuck the cup under him and collected some pee. That was the beginning of the 20 minute freak out.

He started screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting. I took the other kids back into the examination room and he followed me screaming that he didn't want to pee in a cup. He tried to take the cup that we had left on the sink per instructions and dump it out. I have seen him like this before...many times. He is not exactly what you would call flexible most of the time. And if something doesn't go the way he wants, many times he gets very angry and sometimes he throws a huge fit. It's why I own the book "The Explosive Child."

He was still angry when the doctor came in. He tried to kick her, he wouldn't cooperate. She said over and over again, "I have never seen him like this" "He is very angry." etc., etc. At one point she said she wanted me to fill out an autism-assessment form (she forgot and I didn't remind her, because I don't think that is the problem). She was amazing and got him to smile, then laugh, then cooperate. But after she was done with the examination, she spoke to me for a few minutes about how he needs one-on-one time--special time just him with mom or dad two or three times a week. And she said the hour or two when the other kids were napping didn't count. Hmmm..

So, I was feeling a little shaky as a mom at this point. Still exhausted from the tantrum and a little embarrassed, worried about the suggestion of autism, guilty that I've had too many kids too close together and so Andrew isn't getting the attention he needs and is angry because of it.

Then it was time for shots. Andrew got three in his legs. He cried and cried and my little sensitive Natalie cried because Andrew was crying. Then it was her turn to get a shot. Andrew was still crying and needed me to comfort him, I needed to hold Natalie while they gave her the shot, and then I needed to comfort her after she got the shot, and Andrew still needed a hug and a shoulder. I was feeling what I feel a lot since having the third--who isn't getting the love and comfort they need? Did I have too many, too close?

I go back and forth with what is the best--years apart? close together? How many? Too many? For everybody, this will be different and I'm not looking for THE answer, I'm looking for the answer for me and my family. It has felt right to have our kids closer together. It feels right to have another one and if we survive, probably another one, and maybe even another one. But I have struggled with feeling that it may be too much for me or that I can't quite get it together and maybe I need some time to pull it together.

But when I was in the doctor's office and was feeling that there is not enough of me to go around, it hit me. I realized that it is at those times that it is important to ask for help. I mean pray. Do all we can do and then ask the Lord to make up the difference.

I could not be everywhere at once and couldn't comfort both like they needed comfort right then, but there is somebody who can. And I thought about what a strength to Andrew if I were to call upon the Lord to fill in in my absence. And then it really hit me. That is what I'm missing so often...FAITH. I do not need to do it all on my own. I always think I do, but I don't. If I partner with the Lord in raising these kids, it will be much easier and they won't be deprived. In fact, what a blessing for them and for me if we can form a stronger reliance on the Lord because we need him. And maybe that is why close together and keep having them seems right for us. For somebody who thinks she always has to do it on her own.

Safety and Freedom

Tuesday night we had a Relief Society board appreciation dinner. We had soup and bread bowls for dinner and afterwards there was a bag full of the bread-bowl innards that was being offered to the first taker. I took it and on Wednesday I loaded the kids and a bag full of bread up in the car and we went to feed the ducks. Andrew and Natalie were so excited. And I'm sure James would have been too if he realized it was his first time feeding the ducks! On the way over to the park, Natalie bit a hole through the bag of bread she had insisted on carrying and when I turned around to look at her during the drive, she was wrestling some bread out of the newly-created hole with her mouth. We got to the park and the kids took off running. It was once again an absolutely beautiful day. Just enough crispness in the air to justify long sleeves, but not enough to warrant a coat. I love those days, where you can feel the sun warming your arms through your clothes and at the same time feel the coolness on your face. Perfect.

We got to the ducks and the kids were a little nervous. In fact, maybe I was a little nervous too--there were A LOT of ducks! So they hung back a little while I started to throw bread to the ducks, but they didn't hang back for long. Soon they were throwing big chunks of bread into the water (the idea of breaking off small pieces of bread was lost on them).
And I was throwing right along with them. There is something great about throwing bread to ducks. It feels good to throw something in the water and I really don't get tired of watching the ducks all race for the same piece of bread and fight over it. And I have such great memories of feeding the ducks when I was little.We soon ran out of bread (it goes fast when you throw big chunks) and headed for a playground. The park we went to is a big park. There are hills, waterfalls, ponds/lakes, and large grass areas. The kids were loving the freedom of all the space and loving the idea of exploring it all. I was not loving the idea of them exploring it all because I was concerned about the safety of my little kids. I was worried that if I couldn't see them, somebody could snatch them up in a minute. I started thinking about safety and freedom.

When I was growing up, I and the rest of the kids in my neighborhood lived outside. We would meet in the street on our bikes, big wheels or whatever else we had and would play games, ride around for hours, explore abandoned schools, cross over creeks, and anything else that caught our fancy. My parents had no idea where I went because we just rode and rode and rode. We knew when it was about time to head for home and my dad would come out and whistle his trademark whistle to let us know we had to come in for dinner.

So I see those hills and expansive grass and I want my kids to be able to run and run and run and explore. And it makes me think that I want my kids to learn independence and resourcefulness. I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't do anything without me or to feel scared to go out on their own. I want them to know the wonderful feeling of the wind whipping in your face as you ride your bike as fast as you can to no real destination, of turning back to talk to your friends and feeling the bike wobble and weave, of watching the pavement zoom by under your tires, of inhaling the different scents of flowers, trees in the warm spring air as you pass them by.
Where is the balance between safety and freedom? It is true that the world is different than when I grew up. It is not as safe. But I still want and need my kids to experience the freedom of doing something without mom hovering nearby--before the responsibilities and pressures of age take away that completely carefree feeling. How do I instill independence when I'm scared to let them play in the front yard (of course, they are still pretty young!)? Am I being too fearful? Hopefully as they get a little older I won't feel quite so worried when I can't see them. For now, though, I don't want them out of my sight!

(Natalie picked out her own shoes that day!)