Late night lipstick

Tonight I thought I heard the sound of little footsteps running around upstairs after I had put the kids to bed.  So I went up to check.  I found my bedroom and bathroom lights on, but nobody around.  But I had my suspicions.  So I opened the door to Natalie's room and this is what I saw:

Then I saw this, which also made me laugh.  She had dressed her dog Frenchy up earlier in socks and a sweater and had highjacked some of my jewelry (an earlier footsteps incident) and had stashed it in her purse.  I recovered the "valuables", but let her keep a few items that I didn't mind losing eventually.  I guess she decided the bedpost was the perfect place to store all these treasures.

And so we never forget, I have to include a picture of what Natalie's bed looks like most nights when she falls asleep.  After numerous "sneaks" to the game room book stash, and a few climbs in the closet to get all the blankets down, she has a bed full of what she likes to refer to as "stuffs."

Looks nice and comfy, doesn't it?  Yes, she is asleep amidst all those "stuffs."

Feeling guilty about feeling guilty

As I turn the corner to my last month of pregnancy, things are not looking that great.  Not that they aren't great.  I'm just suddenly having a hard time seeing the great.  And the biggest culprit...guilt.

I feel guilty that I'm tired (after not being able to sleep most of the night).  

I feel guilty that my kids watched a movie instead of having some amazing learning experience with me all afternoon.

I feel guilty that I didn't cook dinner every night last week.

I feel guilty that I'm not on a regular exercise schedule.  That I'm not running a 10K 9 months pregnant.

I feel guilty that my bathrooms aren't as clean as they should be and that I have laundry that still needs to be folded.

I feel guilty that I'm not as patient with my kids lately.

I feel guilty that I'm not out extending myself to others more.

I feel guilty that I actually might need help myself.

And then the clincher...I feel guilty that I feel guilty.

Do you want some guilt with that meal?  Can you even believe it?! 

Logically I know that I am going to have a baby in a few weeks, I have three other young kids that require all of my time and energies during the day, and my husband has a job that requires full days and occasional travel and is going to school which requires every other weekend and some nights.

But why should that matter, right?  I should have unlimited positive energy.  I should wake up like a shot every morning excited and ready for the day.  Children's demands, messes, fighting and whining should bounce off me as I sing and laugh my way through the day.  

I mean, isn't that what everyone else does?  They at least have their laundry folded, right?

And the best part is that the more guilt I feel, the less I feel like I can do, and the more guilt I feel.   Crazy.

So tonight I pledge to get rid of the guilt.  I will laugh at my laundry.  I will pretend I'm a monster and roar at the kids if I find myself getting angry.  I will ask for help.  I will offer my help when I can.  I will be grateful that Little Ceasars is such a great deal.  I will let my kids watch a movie and not think twice about it.  

But most importantly, at the end of the day I won't look at all the things I didn't do.  I will look at everything I did do.  Even if it was just getting us dressed and fed.  

Guilt takes too much energy.  And being a little low on that resource right now (I will not feel guilty about not having a lot of energy!), I've got to get rid of the guilt.

Notes to self...

Natalie is not an easy child right now.  She was.  

In fact, about 19 months ago when I was about to have James, my mother-in-law commented that who wouldn't have more kids when you had a Natalie...she was so fun and easy.  

And then suddenly she wasn't.  

She cries about everything...all day long.

  

She is mischievous.  If you can't see or hear her, it means trouble spelled m-e-s-s.  Marker on the walls, water all over the floor, foamy soap all over the bathroom, nail polish all over her doll house and James' face... 

She does not listen.  At all.  She just chooses to do her own thing and pretends not to hear you.  Or she has a million reasons why she needs to be doing whatever she is doing even after you have asked her not to...several times.  

She runs away.  After running down the street or through the mall at full speed in all my pregnancy glory time after time, I finally figured out that the best thing to do is just call out "We'll see you later." and she comes running...and crying.  

When John and I were buying a car last fall, Suzann, my mother-in-law, came over to watch the kids.  We were driving to the dealership when my phone rang.  It was Suzann.  "Natalie has locked herself in the bathroom and I can't open the door."  Me: "She knows how to unlock the door.  Tell her to unlock the door and come out."  Which of course Suzann did, but Natalie ignored.  I picture her inside the bathroom with a devilish grin on her face as grandma knocks and tries to get her to come out.  Well, Suzann went for help.  She took the boys and went to the neighbor's house to see if they could help her open the bathroom door (it uses those little metal "sticks" to open and is rather tricky. It took me a while to figure it out.).  As she was coming back with reinforcements, Natalie comes running out of the garage, crying.  She did not want to be left behind and as soon as she realized everybody was gone, she opened the bathroom door and came out.  

This girl pushes all the buttons.  

I am convinced it is a stage that she will grow out of (please! be a stage!).  But in the meantime, it is good to catch glimpses of our darling, sweet girl and what I can do as a mom to encourage the sweetness without making her feel like she isn't doing it quite right.  Because sometimes I feel like I'm telling her NOT to do things an awful lot.

A few weeks ago John took Andrew AND James (superdad) camping, leaving Natalie and I to a girls night out.  We went to dinner, rode the carousel at the mall, and met some friends for a movie.  The whole night she held my hand, told me she loved me about every 3 minutes, never ran off. She was darling.  It was so fun.  Note to self...Natalie needs some more one-on-one time.

The other day she was crying (again...for no reason) and wanting me to hold her.  I said, "Natalie, do you want to help me make pizzas for dinner?"  She immediately stopped crying, said she needed to put on the napkin (the apron) Grandma Larraine had sent her, and was so helpful and cute the entire time we were getting the pizza and breadsticks made.  Note to self...Natalie likes to feel needed and helpful.

And tonight.  She had gotten out of bed several times (her usual routine at night, even though she is exhausted because she will not nap during the day).  I took her back up to her room and tucked her in.  She looked at me, "Mom, can you lay in my bed with me?"  Some nights I just want everyone in bed because it is the ONLY moment of the day where I can be alone with my thoughts.  But tonight I laid down by her and she turned on her side and put her arm around my pregnant belly and waist and tucked her little head up against me.  And every once in a while she would pat me with her little hand.  

And I lay there loving my little terror.  And loving my sweet daughter.  Note to self...Natalie needs lots of love...and she gives lots of love.

I'm Hungary

We had the big world map down a few times before we left for Japan so we could show the kids where we would be going.  I showed them Japan, Arizona, Utah, California, Venezuela, and then I showed them Hungary and explained that dad had served a mission there.

We got the map out the next day and Natalie was looking very carefully at the places we had discussed the day before.  She looked at me and said, "Mommy, Daddy went to Lunch...right hehr."

And then a few days later we had the map out again when John was there.  Natalie, looking at the map, said to John, "Daddy, you went to Dinner."

I guess Hungary can mean Lunch or Dinner to a three year old.

Graduation

Andrew graduated from preschool last week.  And yes, it was a big deal around here.  He has asked why he hasn't started kindergarten yet.  He is so excited to go!  

Above-Andrew singing as loud as he can.  And yes I am due in about a month...and yes you can tell in my face.

He has grown up so much in the last two years and so this graduation really was a little milestone in his little life.  In fact, his teacher gave me a big hug and said "He is so ready for kindergarten."  I knew that what she didn't say, but meant, was, "Boy he has come a long way."  He has had some rough spots and has had to learn how to be a little more flexible than he is naturally inclined to be.  But he has really come a long way.  I am so proud of our little graduate!!  

Natalie was toting Frenchy (the dog) and a giant teapot that day.

Andrew was so excited that Grandma and Dad came to the graduation.  In fact, later that day he said to me a few times, "I was so happy that Daddy came to my graduation!" And when John got home that night, Andrew ran up to him, gave him a big hug and a kiss and said, "Daddy! Thanks for coming to my graduation!"