You are brave

I took the kids to the zoo today...alone.

As I entered the zoo, carrying a baby in the bjorn, pushing a double stroller, and following two kids running around (they of course had insisted on getting out of the stroller as soon as we got into the zoo), a woman sitting in the shade, sipping a cold drink looked up at me and said, "You are brave." I replied, "Or crazy."

But I started thinking about her comment. Am I brave? In some ways I did feel brave today. I faced a fear. I haven't really tackled zoo-like outings by myself with my three little ones since James came along.

I used to take Andrew to the zoo all the time. And after Natalie, we went at least once or twice a month. But since having number three, I have become something of a homebody. I didn't think that would ever happen, but when I would think about getting everybody out the door and then having to deal with everything where we were going, home sounded like a great place to be. The exception has been going with somebody else. I guess I felt more comfortable with reinforcements...even if they had their own kids. At least I could chase after a stray and know the others were being watched by somebody friendly. Plus, I found after number 3 that I also felt like I needed the company!!

But I also found that I missed going with just me and the kids. When we go somewhere fun with others, I'm always more interested in my conversation than with playing with my kids. So today I decided to face my apprehensions and just go for it--me and the three kids at the zoo.

And it was wonderful. Our first stop was the bathroom. A bathroom made just for us--one of those family bathrooms with a little toilet, a big toilet, a changing table, a little sink and a big sink. We used it all. We were in there for a long time, but I don't think the lady waiting outside even minded when she saw us all emerge. I think she was thinking, "Thank goodness they had that bathroom for that lady."

We walked around looking at the animals, stopping to play when the urge hit, and my kids had my undivided attention. And really, it wasn't hard at all.

I looked up "brave" in the dictionary and it said "courageous." Nice. So I looked up "courageous" and read, "implies consciously rising to a specific test by drawing on a reserve of inner strength."

In so many ways that really does describe being a mother. I have never felt like I was reaching for inner strength more. And I guess one of my fears has been whether I have a reserve of inner strength. But I continue to discover that I can do more than I think I can do. Not ever perfectly and sometimes not even well, but I can do it. And that has been one of the greatest blessings of being a mother and one that I have seen magnified with each child...that I am pushed to what I think are my limits and realize that I can go even farther than I thought. So when the next hard day comes along, I remember the last time I didn't think I could do it, but did, and then it's not quite as hard.