As I turn the corner to my last month of pregnancy, things are not looking that great. Not that they aren't great. I'm just suddenly having a hard time seeing the great. And the biggest culprit...guilt.
I feel guilty that I'm tired (after not being able to sleep most of the night).
I feel guilty that my kids watched a movie instead of having some amazing learning experience with me all afternoon.
I feel guilty that I didn't cook dinner every night last week.
I feel guilty that I'm not on a regular exercise schedule. That I'm not running a 10K 9 months pregnant.
I feel guilty that my bathrooms aren't as clean as they should be and that I have laundry that still needs to be folded.
I feel guilty that I'm not as patient with my kids lately.
I feel guilty that I'm not out extending myself to others more.
I feel guilty that I actually might need help myself.
And then the clincher...I feel guilty that I feel guilty.
Do you want some guilt with that meal? Can you even believe it?!
Logically I know that I am going to have a baby in a few weeks, I have three other young kids that require all of my time and energies during the day, and my husband has a job that requires full days and occasional travel and is going to school which requires every other weekend and some nights.
But why should that matter, right? I should have unlimited positive energy. I should wake up like a shot every morning excited and ready for the day. Children's demands, messes, fighting and whining should bounce off me as I sing and laugh my way through the day.
I mean, isn't that what everyone else does? They at least have their laundry folded, right?
And the best part is that the more guilt I feel, the less I feel like I can do, and the more guilt I feel. Crazy.
So tonight I pledge to get rid of the guilt. I will laugh at my laundry. I will pretend I'm a monster and roar at the kids if I find myself getting angry. I will ask for help. I will offer my help when I can. I will be grateful that Little Ceasars is such a great deal. I will let my kids watch a movie and not think twice about it.
But most importantly, at the end of the day I won't look at all the things I didn't do. I will look at everything I did do. Even if it was just getting us dressed and fed.
Guilt takes too much energy. And being a little low on that resource right now (I will not feel guilty about not having a lot of energy!), I've got to get rid of the guilt.
9 comments:
I don't think you have one thing to feel guilty about. You are in survival mode! Let them watch three movies and go take a nap! :) Make sure you take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it. You need to fill your bucket too. Even if it means getting a babysitter and going to Target BY YOURSELF. I guarantee you will feel so much better. Good luck with the last month. Just call me when you are feeling guilty.....I'll talk you out of it. :)
I got this poem the other day...it reminded me of your little post here!
The Girl in a Whirl
> By "Dr.Sue" (a.k.a. Vicke Gunther)
>
> Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
> You could do what I do if you only knew how.
> I study the scriptures one hour each day;
> I bake, I upholster, I scrub, and I pray.
> I always keep all the commandments completely;
> I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
> I help in their classroom! I sew all they wear!
> I drive them to practice! I cut all their hair!
> I memorize the names of the General Authorities,
> I focus on things to be done by priorities.
> I play the piano! I bless with my talents!
> My toilets all sparkle! My check books all balance!
> Each week each child gets a one-on-one date;
> I attend all my meetings (on time! never late!)
> I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
> But, that is not all! Oh no, That is not all.
> I track my bad habits 'till each is abolished;
> Our T-shirts are ironed! My toe nails are polished!
> Our family home evenings are always delightful;
> The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.
> I do genealogy faithfully, too, It's easy to do all
> the things I have to do!
> I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;
> I know all the names of each youth in the stake!
> I read to my children! I help all my neighbors!
> I bless the community, too with my labors.
> I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;
> My visiting teaching is done the first day!
> (I also go do it for someone who missed hers.
> It's the least I can do for my cherished ward
> Sisters.)
> I chart resolutions and check off each goal;
> I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.
> I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.
> But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.
> I write in my journal! I sing in the choir!
> Each day, I write "thank yous" to those I admire.
> My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!
> My kids got straight A's! and their bedrooms are
> clean.
> I have a home business to help make some money;
> I always look beautiful groomed for my honey.
> I go to the temple at least once a week;
> I change the car's tires! I fix the sink's leak!
> I grind my own wheat and bake all our bread;
> I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.
> I make sure I rotate our two-year supply
> My shopping for Christmas is done by July!
> These things are not hard; 'tis good if you do them;
> You can if you try! Just set goals and pursue them!
> It's easy to do all the things that I do!
> If you plan and work smart, you can do them all,
> too!
> "It's easy!" she said and then she dropped dead!
Yeah! I second that. I mean really...what is the point of all that guilt? I have so many days like this....when being human pretty much drives me crazy.....send some spray my way.
But you are right. You are very pregnant...mother of 3 small(adorable)children....each day at this point is an achievement.
I hope this new babe comes soon. Can't wait to see the photos.
Hey Rico,
I feel that way everyday and I'm not even 9 months pregnant! Keep hanging in there and enjoy the journey. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.
Miss you,
Lisa
You are such a great blogger and such a great example of being an awesome mom! Seriously, you need to come over one of these days un-announced (mornings would be even better for your psyche,) and check out my disheveled house, the STACKS of unfolded laundry from last week, go through all my drawers and closets and see my hidden messes and disorganized glory...and then remind yourself that my youngest is the same age as natalie, so I am lacking the 1 yr old and the pregnancy!
President Monson knew what we needed to hear when he challenged us to find joy in the journey. You are such a great example of following his counsel. I was just reading your previous two blogs and you are laughing and enjoying this "natalie stage" beautifully well!
Seriously, let's figure out a carpool arrangement for swim team. We are out this week because of Rem's bball, but the next three weeks we are workable! (Unless, of course, you really meant what you said about it getting you out of the house! : )
I am not preggers, but I still had to make sure I was reading your blog and not something that I wrote. I feel like this all the time. Laundry, Little Caesars too often, not taking the time for my kids that I should, feeling bad for snapping, feeling badly that I am tired so I snap. We all feel your pain. It is hard. And it is even harder when prego. You are great Erika. Don't feel bad.
So well worded, Erika. We all feel that way but are not as articulate at expressing it. Good for you for recognizing the needlessness of undeserved guilt and choosing to toss it aside. You have some very lucky little kiddos. You are such a fabulous mom!
Amen! I can totally relate and I'm not even pregnant. The worst was the other morning when I woke up and I thought, is it time already, to get up and go, go, go. I was still exhausted from the day before. I need that poem from Marci.
amen sister, amen.
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